Why Am I Such a People Pleaser?

Have you ever asked yourself this question, “Why am I such a people pleaser?!” I know I have.

People-pleasing is something that many of us deal with and we don’t understand why. This article explains what it is, the signs, causes, dangers and how to stop it! 

What is People-Pleasing?

People pleasing is a behavior where a person has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires. 

Signs of a People Pleaser 

• You constantly need others to like you 
• You have a low opinion of yourself 
• You put others first before yourself
• You say sorry even when you’re not at fault
• You’re a giver 
• You struggle with authenticity 
• You don’t have free time 
• People take advantage of you
• People use you as a doormat 
• You feel frustrated and resentful
• Arguments upset you
• Etc! 

Why Am I Such a People Pleaser? What Causes People-Pleasing?

You might be wondering what causes people-pleasing or why am I such a people-pleaser? Well, it may be any of the following reasons:

1.    Trauma 

If you’ve suffered abuse before, whether it’s from your childhood, from friends or your partner, then you may have felt it was safer to do what other people wanted to protect yourself. 

By pleasing others, you felt you made yourself likeable and your abuser happy so they wouldn’t hurt you.

1.    Fear of Rejection

You are scared of rejection, whether it be from your parents, friends or partner. So, to keep them liking and accepting you, you suck up to whatever they want you to do. 

2.    Low Self-Esteem

This can stem from childhood because of your parents, childhood friends, bullies and school. 

Low self-esteem can develop because of relationships where your partner makes you feel unworthy. Or you struggle so much to get their love that you do things to please them, even if you aren’t happy doing such things.

3.    You Didn’t Know You Could Say ‘No’

Do you always feel like you couldn’t or can’t say no to others? You feel like a bad person for refusing what someone wants you to do? 

One reason why you became a people pleaser is because as a child, you didn’t feel safe disagreeing with others. 

You grew up feeling that you weren’t supposed to have your own point of view. 

4.    Your Parents Didn’t Validate your Feelings & Needs 

People pleasing can start from a young age for most people. When your parents didn’t validate your emotions and opinions, it taught you that your feelings and needs don’t matter. 

You end up putting others’ needs first and yours last, which gets you on the road to people-pleasing. 

5.    Emotionally Unavailable Parents 

On the same topic of parents not invalidating you, people-pleasing can develop because of emotionally unavailable parents. 

Children long for connection with their parents, especially emotionally. When they don’t receive it, they learn to put their feelings aside and strive to make their parents notice them so they can earn their parents’ love and approval to feel that validation. 

As an adult, this puts you in a spot of feeling awed and loved when someone shows you a tiny bit of emotional availability. So, to keep feeling validated by people, you do anything and everything to please them.

6.    You Feel that to Be Worthy of Love, you Need to Keep Giving 

As a child, you learn that to be worthy of love, you must dismiss your own feelings and put others’ feeling first. 

These beliefs carry onto your adult relationships, where you think you must be of use and great benefit to people for them to keep loving you. 

7.    Seeking Validation 

The rewards of performance and positive feedback from your teachers, peers, friends and family make people seek more and more validation. 

This kickstarts people-pleasing behavior. You want to be called a good person or helpful person so you keep sucking up to people and making them happy, even if it means inconveniencing yourself or doing something you are uncomfortable with! 

Why People-Pleasing is Bad?

• You can become bitter & resentful
• You may get into bad activities, habits and addictions trying to please others (peer pressure)
• You end up doing so much for others while they do little to nothing when you need help
• You become a push-over 
• People take advantage of you
• You get fake friendships or relationships 
• People start using or abusing you
• People take you for granted 
• You develop self-hatred
• Low self-esteem issues arise 

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser 

1.    Practice Putting Yourself First 

Putting yourself first is healthy, not selfish. If you can’t even help yourself, how can you help others? First establish a healthy relationship with yourself. 

Please yourself first before you start pleasing others. 

2.    Set Personal Boundaries 

Don’t do things you don’t feel like doing or things that make you feel bad. 

There’s a limit for how much you can do for people. Many people-pleasers, especially in a relationship often do things that they are not comfortable with. They do it just to please their partner. 

Set boundaries for things you cannot do or that will make you feel unsafe. 

Ask yourself questions such as: 

• Will I feel good/resentful after doing this?
• Am I doing this to please this person, at the expense of hurting or betraying myself?
• Am I putting off this person’s fire first while ignoring my own raging fire? 

3.    Show Kindness when you Mean it 

Consider your intentions. Are you being kind to earn someone’s approval or are you doing it to genuinely help someone in need? 

Also, food for thought – are you being kind to yourself before you be kind to others?

4.    Help Others when they Ask for it

As a people-pleaser, you offer solutions and help others immediately they are distressed. People pleasers go to great lengths to make people feel better, at the cost of their own needs. 

Practice helping others only when they ask you for help. Don’t offer to do things for others when you have your own pressing matters to attend to.

5.    Talk to a Therapist 

A therapist will help you understand why you developed people-pleasing, listen to your experiences and thoughts and provide coping strategies to help you overcome it.

I hope this answered your question, “Why Am I Such a People Pleaser?” and you learned how you can help yourself overcome this.